Grow, on the inside

How do I see my own potential? very narrowly and subjectively and well…very naively. My emotions rise through me and I hear their clanging at my mental door, trying to get out and have there say. But from early childhood I’ve always taught myself to repress, to suppress my inner self and it’s probably saved me a lot of regret but then again it may not have been all as bad as I suspected, If I’d just felt free enough to express my emotions in the moment.

It may have actually stunted my growth by avoiding confrontation, as by doing so I avoided learning from any mistakes or any success, which may have helped frame my own understanding who I am.

I am a classic overthinker, who observes and judges but then decides not to say anything, with a few exceptions. I have been changing over the last few years. I believe I am more open and less judgemental and less fearful, or I have managed some of my fears. Though I seem to find it hard to define who I am.

I see myself as a collection of fears and insecurities wrapped up in a congenial shell, that is too congenial. Which others may see as a type of complacency, or disinterest in them as I don’t appear to give genuine answers, maybe as I think too much, which oozes ill confidence which is as unattractive as a leaf landing on a fresh turd, not something you will see very often, but nothing you would think to appreciate or remember.

There’s only been one moment in recent memory that has actually brought change within me, internally, in regards to how I view my world. It was January 4, 2014 after work I walked Toby(my dog) in nearby bush track at Mt Charlie, I was thinking to myself and frustrated with my introvertedness and my fear of reaching out to new people. Then this thought sprung into my mind, ‘let go of all fears and assumptions in your mind and look at the possibilities unfold before your eyes’. Now this may sound rather unprofound to you, but when something brings a revelation to yourself, you feel changed and those words are like a mantra for me, well, that’s if I remember to re-sight them when I’m feeling awkwardly quiet. But it’s like a starting point for me, to overcome my habitual fears. I want more change like this occur, but I don’t think I can just will it to happen, it happens in its own time and I think I just need to be in a place which allows me to be free and to own my own feelings, then more change is likely to occur. But doing so goes against all my ingrained nature. Also for me it’s the natural world, the bush, the trees the dirt which I get my energy from, I think I need to own this, then I can grow as the nature around me grows, perhaps?

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being on the outside, if no one brings you in.

have you ever felt like you’re on the outside looking in?

where you are there in the room with others but you don’t feel like you fit in, like they don’t understand you? like you don’t feel like part of their culture but they act like everything is alright because they see you there ready to laugh at their jokes?

Well I’ve felt that way and I think honestly it’s myself who is causing this, but I don’t know why I choose to belittle myself in my own mind and choose to perceive things this way(may be a negative¬† emotional response I developed in childhood I’m yet to unlearn perhaps?). My perception is that they don’t have time for me, that my words will be superficial and lead to more superficial chat of which I struggle to act interested in. I feel we are not interested enough in other people unless it serves our personal desire/motives to do so. Example: Why do we walk by a person in need in the streets? the main reasons are that we don’t want to mess up our life routine or be inconvenienced with a person with needs when we feel our needs are barely being met(mainly emotionally). Our selfishness isolates us, but it’s hard to break the cycle of selfishness unless you have someone willing to help you break those boundaries and not judge you harshly when you fail(this is someone acting compassionate toward you). If we experienced acts of Compassion like this from those around us more often(ie giving time to one another not just for fun, but for emotional support/exploration), we may break off those self-made chains of personal insecurity a lot easier and quickly, if only we dared pass on this kind of compassion on to one another and forget about personal inconvenience for a moment.

 

 

it is.

The start of this little journey has begun. I have thought about things my whole life, i have thought about alot of things and actually never done them before. I am Human. Now that i’ve got that out the way.

I cooked last night. It’s a good thing to cook. It not only boosts morale, but it makes you eat more healthy, for those that care. I cooked pasta bake with tuna, corn and mushroom sauce which had a best before date of april 2010. Shows how often i have cooked..

I will likely mix meaningful thought with randomness. I may offend occasionally and give a sense of confusion at times. I am just a man thinking things through on a public blog. Take of it what you will.

VOL