Letting go of the emotional/mental things I’ve hidden behind within my mind for so long is tough, frustrating, liberating and challenges my very soul. Who am i away from the confines of how i think i should be living, compared to the person i am when i am not ashamed to speak my genuine feelings, when i am the person who can let go of the fear of others peoples judgement and who can be totally genuine in the moment. (the latter is my goal). It’s scary. I’ve hidden my identity behind fears, beliefs and moral values, that I guess I never truly believed in my heart, this is why i was always struggling inside myself being very doubtful, lacking confidence too. I never discovered the man i was, as i was always busy trying to be the man i thought i was expected to be. Plus i was lazy and the struggle was a kind of habitual comfort to me, but i didn’t realize this at the time. Now It’s time to wake up, bring that man within me to the surface for once and no longer hide away in the shadows of my ‘apparent’ beliefs. All this was triggered by a single word, ‘genuine’. i really don’t think I’ve been that, to myself for 29 years. It’s time to press the reset button on my heart.
When a kid grows up with out much direction, coupled with a numb heart of unexplored desires, they really can end up as an adult with no vision for the future. They are used to living day by day and reacting to situations, as the idea of preparing for something that may or may not happen seems tiring, if that thought does ever come into their head.
This is a result of being driven mainly by emotions with no real sense of logic or reason. To add to this dilemma, the emotions which are driving the kid tend to be misguided and misused. This tends to be the case more with kids who have an unstable family life, where they may experience verbal and emotional abuse aswell as physical, or simple neglect. Yet can also be the case in an apparent normal home, no family is perfect after all.
Another aspect to this is that logic and reason are foreign to these kids as they’ve grown up with illogical behaviour from those close with them. The world is full of these types of kids. I’m one of them.
Illogical behaviour is simply acting flippantly on emotions and making rash decisions without concern for others, whether intended or not, it doesn’t matter. When parents do this around their kids without any explanation or gentle reasoning, it gets messy. The kids will try to find an escape and shut them selves off from the family and probably start viewing porn to get a sense of relief. Thus increasing the sense of emotional numbness in the family home.
Human emotion can become a wild beast if left unattended and like most wild things, it will either run away or charge toward anything that approaches it. We need to learn of ourselves and pursue self-control, not so that we are easy to be controlled by others, but so we can stop ourselves from hurting others and help us identify if we are causing the hurt. This requires each person looks into their own hearts at times and question their motives and their point of view, or to put it another way; being selfish is not our right, it’s just one of our choices, if we could recognize that it would be significant for all those around us.