Choose to live in the Anomaly for once..

“I owe my survival to a morning three years earlier when dust filled the air and i washed my face, wedged a roll of paintings under my arm, and paid a visit to an artist i never met before”
– Er Tai Gao, from his book ‘in search of my homeland’.

I had a dream last night that i was in some orderly group of guys, who were part of something together, then i had a sudden urge to walk out of the building the group was in and go for a walk, then on my return someone had come into the building and taken control of the group, and the guys were caught by the enemy. Upon waking from this dream i remembered the above sentence from a book i am reading, which i remember stood out to me as significant. I think the dream was a way for me to learn the concept of what i will call ‘living in the anomaly’. For example, Have you ever been in a group situation, where you were around friends or work mates and within yourself felt a sudden urge to do something rebellious, to go do your own thing, simply because  you have a desire to try something different? Then perhaps you ignored that feeling and joined in the conversation and acted interested, then went home as per usual.  The point i want to bring to your attention is, what if you did that something different?
How many movies are about people falling in love with strangers, or the kindness of strangers. We all want someone or something to come into our world that either saves us from trouble or gives us what we want but didn’t know how to attain ourselves.
Unfortunately our fear of the world, prevents a lot of us from embracing the risk of choosing the crazy liberating idea in our heads and instead we’re settling for more subtle, controllable expressions and actions so we aren’t seen as too weird for some.
The people around you are waiting for something they can’t describe, but mostly they want to feel connected, they want to be heard, they want to feel helpful, and there’s a chance that by you making an uncommon choice, by you listening to your often unspoken desires, by you walking a different path, talking to a new person, helping that stranger in the street, by you simply deciding to make a change to your daily routine, you may find something special, you may be the stranger the other person has been waiting for, so don’t be afraid to live in the anomaly as much as you want to, which is simply; to live with an open mind to change your behaviour and choices, and listen to your personal instinct, rather than silence it for the assumed good of those around you. Er Tai Gao had his life saved because he took a chance to meet with a stranger and that stranger saved him later in life from a death at a hard labour camp in china, so it’s the choice to change things in your life, to question your behaviours and to give yourself permission to make the different, possibly outrageous decisions in your daily life that lay dormant within yourself, which could be what those around you are waiting for, but it also could be what you need to do to save your own life.

personal freedom and betrayal

“when we value being cool and in control over granting ourselves the freedom to unleash the passionate, goofy, heartfelt, and soulful expressions of who we are, we betray ourselves. When we consistently betray ourselves, we can expect to do the same to the people we love.”- Brene Brown (excerpt from her book: gifts of imperfection)

How often have you tried to play the part in order to appear confident or acceptable to others?
it seems we do not get told by others that we are ok as we are, like no one cares enough to speak up when we do something they appreciate.
Our western society is generally governed by assumption, while one assumes the other is ok, the other assumes no one really cares because our ‘how are you’ greeting is only a greeting not really a question. I’ve seen in myself how i focus on how i appear to others and as a result don’t take much risks or too profoundly enquire into another’s life, lest i end up with  a basket case that will become emotionally dependant upon me and encrouch on my personal space ha.
I’ve come to see my insecurity about others lives is more reflective on my own insecurities, would i want to help someone overcome something i am also caught in the middle of with no answer yet? this would require vulnerability and compassion and confession, in order to be of any real help to the other.
The thought i really care about for this post is; do i trust who i am and can i freely express my heart towards others and can i care enough to listen and help another out?
the reason i don’t want another to deconstruct my world with their problems is because i have created my own world my whole life, i don’t know if i can give it up even for a brief time. To change this will take a miracle. A personal revelation of life i am yet to discover. The thing is if i valued myself and didn’t worry about measuring up to another’s standards then i wouldn’t have anything to lose, i would adapt to anything i could care about, i wouldn’t have to worry about the ‘other people’s perception’ factor.
i betray myself when i give up on expressing myself freely with the added possibility that I will betray other people’s confidence, to cover my own insecurities.
So lets not assume anymore, lets ask real questions and spare some real time with one another.