Grow, on the inside

How do I see my own potential? very narrowly and subjectively and well…very naively. My emotions rise through me and I hear their clanging at my mental door, trying to get out and have there say. But from early childhood I’ve always taught myself to repress, to suppress my inner self and it’s probably saved me a lot of regret but then again it may not have been all as bad as I suspected, If I’d just felt free enough to express my emotions in the moment.

It may have actually stunted my growth by avoiding confrontation, as by doing so I avoided learning from any mistakes or any success, which may have helped frame my own understanding who I am.

I am a classic overthinker, who observes and judges but then decides not to say anything, with a few exceptions. I have been changing over the last few years. I believe I am more open and less judgemental and less fearful, or I have managed some of my fears. Though I seem to find it hard to define who I am.

I see myself as a collection of fears and insecurities wrapped up in a congenial shell, that is too congenial. Which others may see as a type of complacency, or disinterest in them as I don’t appear to give genuine answers, maybe as I think too much, which oozes ill confidence which is as unattractive as a leaf landing on a fresh turd, not something you will see very often, but nothing you would think to appreciate or remember.

There’s only been one moment in recent memory that has actually brought change within me, internally, in regards to how I view my world. It was January 4, 2014 after work I walked Toby(my dog) in nearby bush track at Mt Charlie, I was thinking to myself and frustrated with my introvertedness and my fear of reaching out to new people. Then this thought sprung into my mind, ‘let go of all fears and assumptions in your mind and look at the possibilities unfold before your eyes’. Now this may sound rather unprofound to you, but when something brings a revelation to yourself, you feel changed and those words are like a mantra for me, well, that’s if I remember to re-sight them when I’m feeling awkwardly quiet. But it’s like a starting point for me, to overcome my habitual fears. I want more change like this occur, but I don’t think I can just will it to happen, it happens in its own time and I think I just need to be in a place which allows me to be free and to own my own feelings, then more change is likely to occur. But doing so goes against all my ingrained nature. Also for me it’s the natural world, the bush, the trees the dirt which I get my energy from, I think I need to own this, then I can grow as the nature around me grows, perhaps?

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Questioning life is an expression of life

Questioning life is an expression of life, it’s the times in life where we don’t question what we think that bring about the most havoc into our lives and those around us.

See one another

We people wake up to the same morning, we see the same day, we see the same light spread across the land. We also see the same night over take the sky, but we still can see glimmers of light amongst the darkness.

Let us also see this in each other, when the day changes in our souls from light to darkness, help us see the change in each other. Help us see that when it is dark, there is still some light shining, even behind those temporary clouds of despair.

Let us see the stars in our hearts amid the darkness are actually fragments of love which are placed there by those spread around us, who love us, who want to guide us & help us through the night. Also to remember that when it is day in our hearts, we do not hide from each other, let us embrace & accept each other, as life is easily wasted on grudges, judgement & bitterness. Wake up oh sleepers.