Be aware of yourself

Being aware of yourself. It’s kind of a big deal. You’re a living being with senses and feeling and ideas. I find I take this fact for granted. How about you?

Have you stopped to evaluate all that you’re feeling….or are you pushing it aside for some uninspiring reason. 

We have value we aren’t aware of. Our lives mean more then any bad things we experience. Our experience has tunnel vision. Don’t let just experience define you, instead try not to be afraid to let a little wonder sneak into your thoughts. Wonder of what you could achieve if you have no limits in your mind. Take a risk toward doing something that may very well make you happy. 

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Grow, on the inside

How do I see my own potential? very narrowly and subjectively and well…very naively. My emotions rise through me and I hear their clanging at my mental door, trying to get out and have there say. But from early childhood I’ve always taught myself to repress, to suppress my inner self and it’s probably saved me a lot of regret but then again it may not have been all as bad as I suspected, If I’d just felt free enough to express my emotions in the moment.

It may have actually stunted my growth by avoiding confrontation, as by doing so I avoided learning from any mistakes or any success, which may have helped frame my own understanding who I am.

I am a classic overthinker, who observes and judges but then decides not to say anything, with a few exceptions. I have been changing over the last few years. I believe I am more open and less judgemental and less fearful, or I have managed some of my fears. Though I seem to find it hard to define who I am.

I see myself as a collection of fears and insecurities wrapped up in a congenial shell, that is too congenial. Which others may see as a type of complacency, or disinterest in them as I don’t appear to give genuine answers, maybe as I think too much, which oozes ill confidence which is as unattractive as a leaf landing on a fresh turd, not something you will see very often, but nothing you would think to appreciate or remember.

There’s only been one moment in recent memory that has actually brought change within me, internally, in regards to how I view my world. It was January 4, 2014 after work I walked Toby(my dog) in nearby bush track at Mt Charlie, I was thinking to myself and frustrated with my introvertedness and my fear of reaching out to new people. Then this thought sprung into my mind, ‘let go of all fears and assumptions in your mind and look at the possibilities unfold before your eyes’. Now this may sound rather unprofound to you, but when something brings a revelation to yourself, you feel changed and those words are like a mantra for me, well, that’s if I remember to re-sight them when I’m feeling awkwardly quiet. But it’s like a starting point for me, to overcome my habitual fears. I want more change like this occur, but I don’t think I can just will it to happen, it happens in its own time and I think I just need to be in a place which allows me to be free and to own my own feelings, then more change is likely to occur. But doing so goes against all my ingrained nature. Also for me it’s the natural world, the bush, the trees the dirt which I get my energy from, I think I need to own this, then I can grow as the nature around me grows, perhaps?

Choose to live in the Anomaly for once..

“I owe my survival to a morning three years earlier when dust filled the air and i washed my face, wedged a roll of paintings under my arm, and paid a visit to an artist i never met before”
– Er Tai Gao, from his book ‘in search of my homeland’.

I had a dream last night that i was in some orderly group of guys, who were part of something together, then i had a sudden urge to walk out of the building the group was in and go for a walk, then on my return someone had come into the building and taken control of the group, and the guys were caught by the enemy. Upon waking from this dream i remembered the above sentence from a book i am reading, which i remember stood out to me as significant. I think the dream was a way for me to learn the concept of what i will call ‘living in the anomaly’. For example, Have you ever been in a group situation, where you were around friends or work mates and within yourself felt a sudden urge to do something rebellious, to go do your own thing, simply because¬† you have a desire to try something different? Then perhaps you ignored that feeling and joined in the conversation and acted interested, then went home as per usual.¬† The point i want to bring to your attention is, what if you did that something different?
How many movies are about people falling in love with strangers, or the kindness of strangers. We all want someone or something to come into our world that either saves us from trouble or gives us what we want but didn’t know how to attain ourselves.
Unfortunately our fear of the world, prevents a lot of us from embracing the risk of choosing the crazy liberating idea in our heads and instead we’re settling for more subtle, controllable expressions and actions so we aren’t seen as too weird for some.
The people around you are waiting for something they can’t describe, but mostly they want to feel connected, they want to be heard, they want to feel helpful, and there’s a chance that by you making an uncommon choice, by you listening to your often unspoken desires, by you walking a different path, talking to a new person, helping that stranger in the street, by you simply deciding to make a change to your daily routine, you may find something special, you may be the stranger the other person has been waiting for, so don’t be afraid to live in the anomaly as much as you want to, which is simply; to live with an open mind to change your behaviour and choices, and listen to your personal instinct, rather than silence it for the assumed good of those around you. Er Tai Gao had his life saved because he took a chance to meet with a stranger and that stranger saved him later in life from a death at a hard labour camp in china, so it’s the choice to change things in your life, to question your behaviours and to give yourself permission to make the different, possibly outrageous decisions in your daily life that lay dormant within yourself, which could be what those around you are waiting for, but it also could be what you need to do to save your own life.